THE DIVORCE RESOURCE

The Divorce Resource - a professional resource to help guide you through the challenges of Divorce

2010-10-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

Talking about Divorce? I wish there was a group like this one available to me when I went through my divorce. That's why we've joined together to form one now. There are so many things to consider when we make such a life changing decision.

What a lot of finetuning has gone into the best way for us to present answers to the many questions and issues that arise around divorce. Whether you are thinking about it, whether you are in the middle of it, or quite done with the legal piece and need to clear up some stuff after the final decree - we are here to offer you our professional expertise in each of our respective fields.

To do this, we've come together as The Divorce Resource with a one hour no cost workshop, where we present you with valuable insights in matters of finance, accounting, home buying and selling and the emotional counsel often lacking surrounding divorce.

Our brief presentations are followed by an open question and answer session, where you may wish to fine tune questions of your own, which we shall do our best to answer.

Whether you work with us as a group or individually - we are here to support and encourage you. Confidentiality in all aspects of your situation is a matter of course. We each offer you free private conversation to help you decide if what we have works for you.

As a group, we are familiar with most parts of divorce and the stuff that comes up around it. It is our heartfelt desire to assist others with theirs, to make it easier, to show that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that with a little help the tunnel has just gotten shorter.

Meanwhile, just know that eventually things do get better, they always do.

The Divorce Resource is comprised of a PhD in finance with many years of experience, a savvy accountant and tax expert, (with a firm behind her), a Real Estate expert with Prudential Landis, and a Doctor of Naturopathy, specializing in natural approaches to life, mental/emotional counseling and effective stress release. Together we can see you through these challenging times. Our fees are reasonable as we understand the obstacles you may be facing.

If you have questions, please write to us at thedivorceresource@gmail.com or contact swissnd@gmail.com.

The ultimate betrayal -

2010-02-04T10:49:00.000-08:00

The very real incidents where people stray from 'home' and find something with others, whether that happens once only or becomes a longer habit, often wreaks havoc with what we have come to think of as 'our' spouse or partner.

The shattering of expectations is hard indeed. We tend to form relationships with someone whom we believe we can trust to be as we see them, act as we expect of them and conform to what is generally supposed to be the 'right conduct'. We have come to believe they are for us and we for them. We have discussed fidelity and faithfulness, and we agreed on the terms for our partnership.

And then something happens, something unforeseen, something awful that changes how we think and feel about the other. And we point to that event, to the other, and ask the wonderfully rhetorical question "what have you done? how could you do this? how could this happen to us?
Since there are no good answers when we ask from a place of hurt and anger and rejection, we tend to find more pain, guilt, shame and blame - the foursome that most often follows every negative experience.

There may be recriminations - "did I not know something was not right? Did I perhaps close my eyes? Well, he/she should have stuck with me anyway. Did I avoid conversation, did I push too hard, not enough? What did I miss?" These are good questions - but often enough the answers take too much pain to process and there is anger at having to sort things when we're already turned inside out.

Eventually, there is huge sadness, perhaps an acceptance of the first (and maybe final) break of trust and a chance to heal, repair the rift, grow up to truly be with the other - or not. Finding a way out of the 'mess' together is very powerful. Whether the partnership survives or not is secondary to truly working it out within ourselves. This is ultimately perhaps the most triumphant score of the event.

So is separation a good thing? It can be.
In my practice I see people who have experienced this shattering of their expectations, who try to cope with broken promises and who are trying to pick up the pieces of what has happened. In the case of infidelity, it is particularly hard for those who already have trust and loyalty issues and for whom one of the worst case scenarios has just occurred.

"I thought I could trust her/him, that's the last thing I expected to happen. After all that I've been through with my..... " - you fill in the blanks. Sometimes, it is easier to set one self apart and stay alone for a while or move back home if that's a healthy option - take a break, get some distance, find a different perspective - talk to someone neutral about it, ask yourself what you want to gain or learn from this experience.

Since we take ourselves with us wherever we go to take a break is often temporary, but it can help clear the air. We don't see the other anymore - the pain is segregated from hurling anger at the culpable partner. Taking a bit of time away can be very beneficial, especially when we include long meandering walks or have set aside time to be alone in a natural environment, where there is no other distraction. Where we can find some peace and there are no others who comment on what has happened (like there might be if you went home again).

Self examination, the review of what happened before the event occurred, the gentle assessment of our own ways within the relationship are all good measures to get to ourselves. Certainly not in a self punishing way - "How could I have been so blind, so stupid, to trust or how did I miss that, I should have not..." Not that way. Observe and examine your thoughts - by all means - cry, howl, express your anger - and always return to your inquiries.

You are meant to become aware of your emotions - and allow them to be. "Of course," you say "that's easy. I can't help hurting and feeling really really upset." Then stay with that, it's okay, feel it, and allow the feeling to be there. Now, watch how your mind is making up stories about what happened, telling you "he should have done it this way - that was very irresponsible - why did she do this to me - didn't he know this would hurt me - I can't believe how thoughtless she has been - people have no consideration - I can't believe he kept all this to himself for so long. I should have known about her betrayal, she was my best friend."

All these potentially true and yet unrelated statements can apply to one or several situations, and they are the questions we ask of the situation. We ask questions to which there are no answers. And we would not want to hear actual explanations or answers, because what we really want to know is "how I can I stop from hurting so bad". In the absence of such an option we drive deeper into the pain and hand out blame, guilt, rejection, shame and more pain.

Stay present with yourself and watch the thoughts that follow your feelings. Watch how the stories in your head can become fantastic and unreal - watch with a bit of distance how it can spiral out of proportion - and allow all that to be there but don't believe everything you think.

Now watch for when the stories go to "he/she did exactly what these others used to do - I don't deserve to be treated that way, there is no justice, it's not right, they're just like..." Now you have access to the past, to what has caused your pain originally. This newly triggered pain sounds like, feels like, but is not the same - rather it's an invitation to rise up and slay the old dragon from your past. You may not be able to do so in the midst of your crisis, but whenever possible take time and reflect.

Perhaps in reading this blog, it will invite some reflection on past issues and initiate a desire to clear up something from a longer time ago. After all, whatever happens to us these days has already happened in another way a long time ago - we just have to connect the dots and gain the necessary insights.

Don't worry if you don't get it the first time, few of us do. All I can tell you that your gain is immeasurable, your inner freedom sweet and your peace of mind, ultimately, all you want.

Blessings to you

I need a break, need to get away from the relationship, get some space...

2010-02-04T10:27:00.000-08:00

So you need a break? Want a change of pace, a life more controlled by you alone? Have some space, think things over - find out who you are without the other one? Get away from him or her?

What got in the way? or perhaps the question to ask is 'Who' got in the way. I mean the two participants of the relationship. Of course, everyone has their own story about how things got worse and how he/she did or did not act in the way they're supposed to. How there were too many disagreements and nagging. Where there was no room to breathe.

Behavior between partners is so often mirrored by behavior experienced during childhood and adolescence. In some way or other we bring our family dynamics, or individual dynamics between ourselves and our parents and siblings right into every relationship we form.

It's no wonder we have so many tests and trials until we finally settle down. This is the case for most of us, whether we stay together or split apart. Some have more stamina than others, stick it out, 40 years later, they're being celebrated and admired as unique, while one secretly wonders. Some feel the urge for their freedom, the need to get away as the overpowering force in their decision. After all, we thought we'd get away from what was the adult world while growing up, not make the same mistakes.

And look at this: here it is all over again... No, it's not a laughing matter, or maybe just a little bit. Humor has a way of helping us get through the tough times.
Of course, only if we are capable of laughing at ourselves and our situations.
there is no intention to fix things in this article - just to jostle some different thoughts and belies out of their mooring. Get a perspective of what may be going on.

You are going on - it's all yours, your feelings, your reactions, your opinions - it's that way for all of us. We are the ones who create our lives, our situations and of course we would not try to create pain for ourselves, what a ridiculous idea. Really?

When anger, disappointment or fear cloud your thoughts...you've just been told "I want a divorce"

2010-02-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

What a huge mix of emotions, do they leave you breathless?

Once you realize that you are looking at a life without your spouse, there are questions and issues of emotional safety, concerns for your finances, your health, and the care of the rest of the family - how to make it all work, where to turn, what to say to the world, even "what to say to myself?"

Inside, there may even be shame or fear to disclose that you and your spouse are separating or getting a divorce, and the reasons underlying such a decision. If this is your first time, you are also entering a phase of your life where old fears and events come to the surface, reminding you of unfinished business. While this can be beneficial, right now it's not an easy time and you may find yourself in the midst of turmoil. If there are children involved, they too have their needs, fears and other emotions. Truly a raw time for everyone.

Clear thinking is at a premium and the need for support is high. Often though, doubts and personal reluctance keep people from reaching out - especially if they are not used to 'airing their concerns' to strangers. In our fast moving times, many people have left their home towns and are not near family and relatives to turn to. Or, that may even appear too daunting.

It is not easy to ask for services from strangers, from professionals, yet everyone needs clarity for this time - know what questions to ask and be able to rely on those who can give support during this time. The financial cost of seeking advice may also be an issue, which would keep someone from the much needed information and counsel.
And finally, what if we're temporarily separated? Read about it here:

Members of The Divorce Resource invite anyone interested to a free workshop, where we offer insights into the process you're going through and allow you to find both questions and answers that help direct your next steps at whatever stage you are at. People also seek our services after their divorce is complete. They are now better able to clean up unresolved issues - at a time when the emotions have settled a bit.

We are intent on providing clear guidance, and we know full well how important this is for the next steps in your life. Most of us have been through it before - and we feel it would have been nice to have had the support of a capable team. So we're glad to be providing such a service at this time.

When you are empowered and have access to resources that guide you the way you need it - and that is determined by your preference and individual situation - it is much easier to stay clear minded and forward looking. Such clarity also allows for the least amount of hateful fighting that so often characterizes divorces.

We prefer to steer our clients to amicable resolutions - it's easier on everybody - and especially the children.